Today I threw a patio chair. Picked it up, screamed and launched it. And then I crumbled to the ground, ugly crying while I pounded on the ground. I can’t 100% remember the garbled words that escaped my lips in my wails but I know “Why” and “just want him back” were among them. There were tears and dirt. Snot and hyperventilating. The cries felt like they came from the bottom of my soul and fought their way out of my body. It was not pretty, not graceful, yet it happened, and I needed it too.
What brought all this on? I’d been having an ok day. I was able to work for a while. Lance was filling holes the dogs had decided to dig in the yard and I was finally planting some flowers I had picked up over the past few weeks. Then it all flooded over me. There was an empty chair next to where Lance and I were taking a break. An empty chair that he should have been sitting in. He should have been there doing all those things with us and he wasn’t. He wasn’t here and dang it, he SHOULD be! My tears were hot and big silently rolling down my cheek and then the dam broke. The flood gates opened and I was drowning.
This week as a whole, hasn’t been a good one. There’s been trigger after trigger, wave after wave and they have all left me feeling as if I’m drowning and can’t find my air. Can’t find my peace. Can’t find my way. It’s been a scary week as decisions have had to be made without my partner and my sounding board here with me. It’s been a week of firsts. First Mother’s Day without him spoiling me. First purchase without him. First time back to a track meet that is so vivid in my memory from last year that I found myself sitting in my car for a while just letting the tears flow because there were plaid short sleeved shirts everywhere with hats that made me think of him. Our favorite season was summer and with school being out, graduations taking place, it’s a constant reminder that he’s not going to be here with me this summer. It’s also been one month ago today since he walked out of our house, not knowing he would never come home again.
Everyone says this is normal. It's ok to feel like this but I don't like feeling like this. I don't like living life without him. God and I have had a few chats about not being happy about this, not understanding, not wanting to accept it. But I'm constantly brought back to the verse that carried us through this whole journey. "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am you God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." "For I hold you by your right hand - I, the Lord your God. And I say to you. Don't be afraid. I am here to help you."
Yes, I’m struggling. Yes my eyes are constantly puffy or free of makeup because I’ve wiped it all away with my tears. No, I’m not ok right now, but I know I will be.
The last few days, there have been purple wildflowers popping up to the North of Brad in the cemetery. They are probably some noxious weed or something like that, but they are purple. And there have been three of them.
Three's are a little symbolic for us. Both our birthday's are in the third month. His birthday is on the 3rd. We celebrated our twenty THIRD anniversary in January. So the combination of these purple flowers and that there were three just reminds me that he's with me. Even when I'm feeling at my lowest. Even when I'm struggling. Brad is with me. He's with all of us.
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