I can still remember the first day of October, 2023 like it was yesterday. It was a Sunday that started off with Brad needing to dig a hole. Our cat (who was brought home by Brad and Kaleb 18 years prior) had passed away in the night. Kitty was a pain in the rear and even though Brad threatened to kick her outside numerous times, she was deeply loved. I could tell Brad wasn't feeling the best but he didn't complain about doing what needed to be done. The sun was shinning, Lance was headed back north to Nebraska and Brad was headed to spend time with his long time friend who had just lost his dad. We didn't realize it at the time, but a dark shadow was getting ready to move in on us. Maybe we should have with all the death that was surrounding us that day but that's the thing about life. You don't plan for it to end. You don't seek the ending. You don't think about it.
October 2023 marks the one year anniversary of the month when our lives as we knew them changed forever. It's the month where the "C" word moved into out house, unpacked her unwelcome bags and altered everything. October 2023 sucked. It was hell. It was crushing. It was devastating. It was a blur and yet its forever frozen in my mind. There are things I've never shared about that month. Experiences very few know about and I feel for my own continued healing, October 2024 is the time to share. So my goal for this month is to share on here what we experienced each day. What life was like. Not to torment myself or any of you but to walk those days and moments, both good and bad, and hope that someone (including myself) will be able to take something away that will help you in whatever journey you may be experiencing. To help people realize that time is a valuable, non-renewable resource that you can't get more of nor can you take with you when you go.
How I Knew Something Was Wrong
Wives, listen up!
Follow your gut. When your normally active husband hasn't been doing the things he normally does and spends afternoons/evenings sitting in his chair when he would normally be out and about doing something or at the very least sitting outside sipping on a cold one, take note and action. It was October 1 when I finally said to Brad "You need to go get checked out." He had been pretty distant with me for the past few weeks and I wasn't sure why. I had replayed conversations in my head. Questioned if I forgot to do something important. Asked numerous times if he was all right and what was wrong always to be told he was fine and nothing was wrong. Finally, when I pointed out that he simply was not being himself Brad disclosed that his stomach had been bothering him. Bothering him like it had been back in the spring only this time it wasn't going away after a few days. It was lingering on now for almost 2 weeks. I remember looking at him point blank and telling him to call the doctor or I was. He promised me he would the next day however something in that conversation had my gut on edge. I think at the time I didn't realize it but I knew something was going on. I vividly remember looking at him later that night as he was snoring in his chair by 8:00 pm and wondering what was going on and why he hadn't told me about it. I had no idea the what was actually wrong would be so devastating.
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I think you talking about it all will help you heal. You have been so very strong through it all. Allow us to be your strength now as you tall about it. I can't imagine what you all went through. I remember when my dad was so very sick in the hospital and he was losing blood somewhere. They finally found a tumor the size of cantaloupe on one of his kidneys. So I remember how bad cancer can make it. He was fortunate that we only need one kidney. So they took the kidney and no more signs of cancer. Cancer is so relentless. I myself was diagnosed with HPV at 29. That dumb virus that can turn into cervical cancer. I unfortunately got it from being a faithful spouse to an unfaithful husband. Anyway I fought it for about 10 years. But it has done a number to my immune system. I am in remission and have been since. Cancer is so very ugly. 2 aunts passed from lung cancer, grandmother had breast cancer and leukemia, granddad had bladder cancer, uncle sinus cancer, great aunt breast cancer, dad kidney cancer, my mom had cervical cancer. You just never know when or where it will attack. I want you to know you are not alone. If you ever need to talk beyond this page. Please reach out. Hugs lady.