Sleep has been a struggle some nights for me. It always has when Brad would be gone for a hunting trip or I would have to be away from the house for the night. I've never slept good without his warm body by my side. Heck there were nights when he was home that I would struggle to fall asleep yet as soon as he pulled me close and I laid my head on his chest, I would find myself instantly drifting to sleep. The even and soothing sound of his heartbeat as my lullaby.
Now, our bed seems so big and empty and my soothing lullaby has turned into a memory that I pray never fades from my mind. Don't worry. I'm getting sleep. Just not a solid, good nights sleep. When I do wake up, the silence fills my ears and stabs at my heart which leaves me even more awake than I want to and need to be. I usually find myself reaching for my phone to put some music on or SOMETHING to ease my mind. That's how I came across a song that is completely Brad.
It was Saturday night. I had actually fallen asleep in my chair downstairs while Kaleb was watching tv on the couch. He woke me up around 12:30 and said "go to bed". I didn't bother taking any of my medical aids that have been helping me sleep because I thought since I'd just been out cold for a couple hours, I would be good without them. WRONG. For some reason, at 2:00 am, I found myself wide awake. I wasn't upset or anything like that, I was just 100% completely awake and the silence just seemed to bring me to a point of being even more awake. So after tossing and turning for a good 15 minutes and trying so hard to will myself back to sleep, I grabbed my phone and my fingers took me straight to my Music app. Music is therapeutic to me. I always told Brad if he wasn't sure of my mood, just listen to what I have playing or what I last listened to and he'd figured it out real fast. While planning for his service I listened to so many songs trying to find the ones that we wanted to play yet I hadn't put these into a playlist yet. They were just randomly in my added list and I knew eventually I would have to search for them again. So I set out creating a list. My hope was I would be lured back to sleep but no such luck on that what so ever. 92 songs later, I was done with my playlist for now. I found so many that spoke to me on some level about Brad, Brad being gone, our relationship or our life together. Some of them literally brought me to sobbing tears. Some of them made me smile. A few of them took my breath away and gave me goosebumps. I finally dozed for a little bit around 6:30 Sunday morning and when I woke up, a specific song was playing on repeat. It's called Dirt Road When I Die by Dylan Marlowe. Take a listen and I think you will agree, it's Brad to a tee.
While operating on little to no sleep, Sunday was not an amazing day. It was the first day we really didn't have anyone here at the house as Ashlee and Derek were over at Mom and Dad with the girls and I just felt like sitting here. Looking back now, probably not the best idea but something I needed. I know I was cranky. I was weepy. And I was dreading 4:29 pm. The time that marked exactly 1 week since Brad became an angle in my arms. I knew I wanted to be with him again at that time so I finally made myself shower and made the short drive to the cemetery. I arrived around 4:15, got my blanket spread out on the ground next to him, got situated with my water, my box of Kleenex and my phone. I had two songs I wanted to play for him. As I started talking to him, the lump that had been in my throat all day continued to grow and grow and I eventually found myself sobbing, screaming and letting my sorrow and anger and grief spill out. I screamed "Why?" "Why US?" "Why now?" fully knowing those questions won't ever fully be answered. Somehow, despite my sobs, I managed to hit play on a song that I contemplated playing during his service but ultimately decided it was more for him and I at 4:29 pm. It's called "Please Don't Go". As that song came to an end the exhaustion of not only the previous night but the entire last week set in and I laid down on my blanket. My hand was resting on his temporary marker as my eyes slowly closed. Peace, comfort, serenity and love. I felt all of those laying there on a blanket with the warm sun shining down on me and a slight south breeze drifting over me.
The next thing I know, a vehicle is pulling up, it's horn sounds and a gentleman is asking if I'm ok. While my initial thought was "Hell no I'm not ok. My husband is dead", I managed to get my filter in place as I realized I'd probably completely scared the daylights out of this man. I assured him that I was ok, just sad and had actually drifted off to sleep. Sleep. The most peaceful 15 minutes of sleep I'd had in the previous 24 hours, on the ground in a cemetery, at Brad's graveside. I sat there for a little bit longer, soaking up the sunshine, feeling a calming peace and playing the song I woke up to earlier that morning, before finally picking my things up to head back home. Kaleb had told me when I left that I didn't need a blanket because he had checked for stickers. I still took my blanket just so I wasn't sitting on the ground though. As I limbed back in my Jeep and sat down, I felt a poke in my rear end. Sure enough, despite having my blanket, I had not one, not two but THREE stickers on my butt. Now I had even taken a quick look around before I laid my blanket down and didn't see any stickers yet somehow three ended up poking me. I knew right away someone played a hand in that happening and I can just imagine him patiently waiting for his little prank to be realized by me.
He's with me each and every minute of the day. He's sending little signs all the time. He's still up to his orneriness and still doing everything he can to make me smile and feel his love.
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