Memorial Day. The unofficial beginning of summer. The last Monday of May every year. The last day of a three day weekend where people gather together with family or friends and maybe take in a parade somewhere. It's also a time where people generally find themselves visiting loved ones graves and placing flowers or remembrance items. Memorial Day was and is focused on honoring the men and women who died while serving in the US military but we find ourselves remembering and honoring all our loved ones who have passed on. But why just on Memorial Day?
Over the years, movies and books have glorified cemeteries as places of doom and gloom. They are portrayed as scary and haunted. But let me ask you this, when was the last time you actually went out and spent time at a loved ones final resting place? Just sat and listened to nature and thought about your loved one? Think about it for a bit and then ask yourself why it's been so long?
I have had numerous people ask me why I go to the cemetery where Brad is so frequently. Yes my trips are almost daily and yes I'm perfectly fine with that (and so is my therapist). I don't feel as if I have to go but what I do feel and find when I go there is peace. Absolute peace. I know his spirit is with me daily and that I don't have to be sitting there on the ground next to him to be close to him but it's something that is actually helping with my grief journey. Sometimes I may be there for an hour. Somedays it's just five or ten minutes. Every single time, when I get up to leave, I feel so much better than I generally did before I went. There's absolutely nothing wrong with carving out a little time from my days to go say hey.
That's the thing about people's grief journey's. Each and every one of us is going to feel and experience grief differently. Some of you may no feel comfortable visiting a loved one at the cemetery and that's ok. I do though, encourage you to ask yourself why that is. Is it because of how society influences us to handle grief? Is it because your loved one has been gone for 20 years and you don't want to start going now? Think about it and answer yourself. And if you can't answer yourself, make a point to make a trip and just see how you feel. I'm not kidding when I say some of my most therapeutic cries have come by his grave and I found myself feeling 1,000 times better after.
Another thing about grief journeys is they never end. I'm very lucky to have an amazing therapist who has been so vital in my mental and emotional health through all of this. I actually started going to her two years ago to just work on myself but I now know God put her in my life for a reason. There are some sessions we simply talk like old friends, others I may just cry the whole time. But the most important thing she's helped me understand through Brad's entire illness is that whatever feelings I was feeling at the time, I had every right to feel those. That is was ok to be scared, to be mad, to be sad, to be angry, to miss him, to want him back, to talk about him, to smile about him, to laugh about him, to cry about him, to grief him,
Yes, life is short. We are all on borrowed time and it's absolutely important to live life and do the things. I am doing that but I'm still trying to figure out how to do that without my person. Without my other half. Without my partner. As always, I came across a song that is me and my life right now. It's below and when I played it for Brad tonight when I visited him, I truly believe he gave me a sign. There was a slight breeze out of the north/northeast that strangely shifted so it was coming out of the southwest. When the song was over it briefly stopped and was then out of the north/northeast again. Also, three butterflies landed on the flowers I put together and brought out to him. They are fake so no attraction for the butterflies to land there yet they did and stayed. Brad was there. He was telling me it's ok and that it's ok to feel this way right now. That things will get better, he will make sure of it. The tears that were also silently slipping down my face suddenly stopped too.
Think about what I've said. Hopefully it makes sense to some of you. Just remember that it's OK to grieve. It's OK to miss your loved ones. It's OK to go visit their resting place. It's OK to navigate your journey as you need it. Grief is love with no place to go but you WILL be OK.
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